I do admit. I hate school work. I don’t do them. I sometimes disregard other people’s orders and such… but… come to think of it? Who doesn’t? Now before you tell me “It doesn’t mean that because everybody is doing it, it is right.” Let me explain myself. It’s not that I’m jumping in the bandwagon. It’s just that it’s human nature–something beyond my control (slightly in my control… but a little bit not there).

I’m not trying to lift my own chair. I’m a bit of a narcissist though, but I’m not biased, even when it comes to self-evaluation. But… I think as a person in general… I’m a good person. I have a good heart. I never ever keep anger in my heart. For some sad and unfortunate reasons, I don’t have the capacity to keep anger. Maybe yeah–maybe it’s because of my smiley-smiley personality–which I’m beginning to hate by the way. Not a lot of people could catch me on a frustrated mood, mostly because I keep it all inside. I hate dragging people into this whole ‘anger ordeal’. This is why I blog about the frustrations that I have. So that I’ll remember. I’ll remember it all… when the anger surpasses…. the wounds are still there… but I would have a smile on my face–because I am strong. Because one day when I look back at my anger posts, I’ll realize “Hey. I’m okay right now. And you know what? I made myself okay… even without dragging people into my pit of despair.“

But there are just some times… where blogging is not helpful. Just like this moment. I don’t feel suicidal right now. But I feel like… I’m unappreciated? That people couldn’t see what I do for them.

“I love you.” I’ve never even said that phrase to my mother yet. But, does that mean that I don’t love her? As a matter of fact, I do. I do love her more than I do love myself. (Yay! I followed God’s commandment! To love your neighbor before yourself!!). I love her so much that I feel so offended because there are some certain people who say that I don’t. I love her so much. But… I’m just not expressive nor touchy. Well for that, I’m sorry. But that doesn’t lessen my love for her. Because I love her a lot. I really do.

Grandma, do you know why I’m crying because of you? Do you know why I’m hurting? Because you… out of all people… would be the one to call me evil. You… out of all the people… would be the one to call me as a rude daughter who doesn’t love her mother. And you… out of all people… are blaming me for stuff that I don’t deserve. And most of all… it hurts because you’re disgracing my mom’s name in front of me. My mom… who is my strength–the greatest source of strength. So everytime you do disgrace her, you’re stepping on my strength… you make me feel weak. You make me feel so sad and depressed.

It hurts so much that I want to shout at you and tell you all of the things I just said right now. It hurts so much… that I want to beg you to stop hurting me. It hurts so much… and what makes it hurt most… is because I can’t tell you nor anybody that it hurts so much.

It hurts so much. But I will smile… even though my smile would end with tears. I will. But how come as every minute, every insult, every harsh comment passes by… I feel like I couldn’t take it anymore? I feel like I couldn’t breathe. I feel… so violated.

All this time… I always tried to find out more about me. I expanded my knowledge without knowing why I wanted to… or how important it is in discovering things about me.

Often times… I would question myself, on the the times when I was stepped at… or just simply downgraded, why didn’t I fight back? why I held back? Even though I knew that I was right… why didn’t I fight for myself? for my pride? for my beliefs and for the grounds that I stand on?

I finally know why.

It’s because I know that if I fight back… I would know the right painful cruel words. If I fought back, I know for sure… I can really hurt someone. Not physically… but in the worse cruel way… which is verbally. I know that I can be evil… and when I’m evil… I’m just downright evil.

But… my heart… had always been pure… and innocent… therefore stopping me from hurting someone… no matter how pissed I get.

It’s a curse to be evil in mind but pure in heart.
Cause the emotions get bottled up and there are times where you almost can’t breathe…

And it’s all harder for me, a girl who always has to be happy…
I hope someday… I can hear someone tell me what Sung-hee told Gyu-ri when Gyu-ri said she had to smile no matter what.

“You don’t have to forcefully smile…”

When we were discussing how much I wanted to change my hairstyle, I came uot with the funky idea of getting full bangs just like Han Seung-yeon and Kim Sung-hee of KARA. So right after I arrived at the house, I bugged the maid to schedule an appointment with my hairstylist on that very day. xD

So he came, and cut my fringes. (I specifically asked him to maintain my hair’s current length.) But then, I believed that he got to ‘scissor happy’ therefore making my fringes shorter than I expected. You’ve got to see my reaction that time. I was like pouting and gaping at the mirror-wishing that I just didn’t get this haircut. Well, I’ve got not choice but to deal with it.

Bad luck really strikes so bad, because the next day I had to go on a vacation with my relatives–featuring my super ugly fringes. You know how it is in the family, where you try to impress your other family members. Well–with these ugly fringes, I didn’t even try anymore.

Not until yesterday, I styled my fringes and ironed it straight. I looked at the mirror and smiled. “Wow… not so bad.” Then with that style, I went to school.

My classmates were gaping at me, some were teasing me (w/c is kind of complimentary) that I looked too Chinese therefore shouting “San Chai” and “Dao Ming Xu” at me. -o- My math teacher found it so cute she let me lead the prayer and kept holding it. -o- Generally… the reply that I got was “Awww— sooo cute!!!”.

Argh– I’m already conceited. And now this?? xD

Anyhow, here’s a few of the things that’s been going on. Well, my grandmother is now back from Japan. I’m supposed to be happy. Well, at first I was. Because I thought, I recovered from the ‘trauma’ that I had to go through with her. But now… it’s all coming back to me. I’m breaking down more often. It’s not good.

You see, I can stand all the character attacks. I can stand it when she steps on my dignity… my pride… my character… my humanity. But do you know what I can’t stand? It’s when she attacks the image of my mother. My mother has been, as I once mentioned, the greatest source of strength for me. For me… I only have my mom. Without her… I don’t think I’d have anything. My grandmother needs to learn how to respect my mom in front of me… -o-

To my mom,

If ever you mess up… or do something bad… I hope you won’t show it to me. I’ll pretend to know nothing if ever I see it. You know why? Because you have this great image in my mind. You’re a hero to me.

If that image gets destroyed… what would be left of me? It’s the only thing I’m holding on to right now. I can’t hold on to my dad… his image and all the memories are long gone now. I can’t hold on to my only grandmother because she’s so mean with me. She hurts me so much.

She hurts me emotionally. Often time…  I would just stay on one corner… crying out. I notice I always call out ‘mom’. You see.. you’re the only one I have right now. Please be stronger for me. Let’s leave please… Take me away…

But I can not believe how she’s being so unreasonable. I know I still have a lot to learn. I would have felt frustrated too if my squad had no skills at all. But I’d like to remind her that partly the reason why we joined the squad is to improve our skills.

I don’t know why she expects so much out of me when she knows that I haven’t receive formal training in gymnastics. And besides, learning stunts doesn’t take a day. They take DAYS.

I still like her as a friend. But she’s starting to come off as an impatient captain for me. She’s a great person, but it sucks how she’s so impatient. As if it’s our fault that we are “rookies”.

Even if we weren’t the chosen ones, whoever they chose will still end up as a “rookie”.

Well I’m sorry if I suck. I’m sorry if I only decide to train at this age. I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY.

But I find it so unfair, cause I’ve been such an understanding friend to her. Can’t she spare me a little? Can’t she be a little more considerate? Cause even when she bosses me around I still allow it… I can not believe this day!

UGH!!!

Tomorrow is game day. Will I be able to do the right hand cartwheel? f*ck.

Time flies by so fast. Yesterday, I turned 15. I was given a chance again to ask whether everything I’m doing right now is worth it. I have a new goal.

I’d win one badminton competition before I turn 16! I’d get a 90 in English! I’d have a boyfriend(?). I’d do everything to make my life worth it before I reach the age where I’d have to be serious.

I promise I’m going to make my life worthy.

Dang it! I had not internet connection for a month! I’m too lazy to blog…

Birthday Countdown!! 2 days to go!

Anyways, I needed to announce, that I am already a part of the USTHS Cultural Dance Troupe! I’m a certified cheerleader/dancer! Woot! xD Anyways, I’m really proud of such status. (Cough.. xD)

I hope I’d be able to make it further!

And for the fact that I went on that flight alone. Yes, people. A 14 year old… alone… on a flight back to Manila. I was really happy and proud of myself to be able to do such thing. I’m really happy.

I lost weight on the trip too… woohoo! xD